163 Quotes by Bill Engvall

I was born in Galveston, Texas in 1957 in the middle of a hurricane. I guess because of the drop in the barometric pressure it affected my brain and I was destined to become a stand up comic, although at that age I wasn't aware of my destiny.

I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people's heads.

If your mother still drives you to school, you are not a gangster, pull your pants up!

God was havin' himself a good day when he made boobs. He must've stepped back from Eve and said, Yes ma'am! Those'll work.

When the bus driver gets off the bus, who shuts the door?

I was always the Class Clown and over time became very good at it. I started doing comedy on stage at the Dallas Comedy Corner where I honed my skills by watching guys like Garry Shandling, Robin Williams, Jay Lena and more.

To all companies please stop using Xmas songs and inserting your own lyrics. Write your own music. I am boycotting you until you stop.

The human brain doesn't come with an instruction manual.

I believe pain is nature's way of saying, 'You're still alive, and life sucks.'