163 Quotes by Bill Engvall

I was traveling down the road with a buddy and there’s a guy driving around in a jeep with a dead deer strapped to the hood. My buddy says to me you think he’s been hunting? Nope, They’re probably giving them away with the purchase of every jeep. Here’s your sign!

The human brain doesn’t come with an instruction manual.

No parents. You have Uncle Jesse, forever in overalls. Then there’s Bo and Duke. What do they do? I never saw them working for food or gas money. You can only kill so many possum.

I told my wife I’m afraid to go back to the doctor because I’m afraid they’re going to look at you and say: ’ma’am, just sell him for parts. It’s like that old car that as soon as you fix one thing, something else goes out on it.

You can’t climb a tile wall.

You can’t tell somebody to kiss your ass on a scooter!

I go “I just want a cup of black coffee.” She goes “Do you want to try a biscotti? They’re from Italy and they’re considered a delicacy.” Have you ever eaten one of these things? It tastes like a burned cookie. Where I’m from, that’s considered a mistake.

I’ve never read a kayak manual, but I’m pretty sure page one says ‘Use in water.’

I believe that the way to a man’s heart is not through his stomach. It’s a little further south.