163 Quotes by Bill Engvall

He knows all the golf lingo. You know? You hit your ball, he’s like “there’s a golf shot. That’s a golf shot.” Well of course it’s a golf shot; I just hit a golf ball. You don’t see Gretzky skating around going “there’s a hockey shot, that’s a hockey shot.”

I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people’s heads.

Did you ever notice all the items on a honey do list are dangerous. Clean gutters, put light in shower, patch roof. It’s a honey die list.

I was a dork hunter. That’s hard to do. I fell out of a tree.

There’s a group in California that wants to make suicide a capital offense punishable by death. That’s like punishing someone for being on a hunger strike by sending them to bed with no supper.

And don’t put a rose in my hand. Put a slim-jim in it. Send me to heaven with a slim-jim!

So the hotel tells us that it is not safe to go in the water because its shark mating time. I know how I’d feel if someone interrupted me.

Went to the grocery store, got everything on my list and went up to the checkout. I put a bag of pet food for our rabbit on the conveyor. The girl looked at me and said, Do you have a rabbit? I looked at here and said deadpan, Nope. Just like ’em ’cause they’re crunchy. Here’s your sign.

As we’re staggering out of the hospital, I don’t remember doing this because I was still high, but apparently I turned to the entire operating room staff and screamed “Hey! I’d better not see this on YouTube!”