163 Quotes by Bill Engvall

I've never said I was the best dancer, and I never said I was a good dancer.

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, Hey, y'all catch all them fish? Nope - Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign.

If you watch the 'Blue Collar Tour,' I was probably the least redneck of everybody.

I've about decided if it wasn't for the sex, I could be gay. Hell, then you're just hangin' out with your buddies.

In syndication, the biggest buyers are car dealerships.

One day I locked my keys in my car and as I was standing there with a hanger halfway through the top of my window, a guy walks up and says, Lock yer keys in the car? Without missin' a beat I said, Nope, Just washed it and was hanging it up to dry. Here's your sign.

Jay Leno told me once, 'Don't do jokes about things you don't know about.'

Left to my own vices, all I would own is a Corvette, and it would be broken down.

I shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house. My neighbor comes over and he says, Did you shoot that thing? I said, Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here's your sign.