1,181 Quotes by Bill Maher

Now, don't get me wrong, I think border security is important. And I have no doubt that the Republican plan for turning our southern border into The Hunger Games will put a stop to the #1 threat facing America today — illegal cleaning ladies.

My personal savior is common sense. And as far as God goes, I prefer to believe in one that would want me to use the excellent brain he gave us all.

New Rule: If you can force a woman to look at a sonogram—to see what will happen if she has an abortion—you also have to let her see a crying baby, a bratty five-year-old, and a surly teenager to see what will happen if she doesn’t. And you have to tell her it costs $204,000 to raise it until it turns eighteen, in 2028, where it will be a slave to the Chinese, in a radioactive world with no animals, fish, or plants.

We preach about capitalism and the beauty of unfettered market forces determining price--but not when it comes to gas. When it comes to gas, we need it cheap, and the president had better get it for us, or else, we don't care how.

Fake it. We know you can do that. We’ve seen your sex tape.

That's not water. That's socialism juice. We should bomb Lake Erie.

But females in even the most advanced Muslim countries are simply, by law, not the equal of men.

Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake--you know, to send the right message to kids.

We're all gonna be gay if we get health care!