141 Quotes by Brian Regan

I go in for the eye test, and I don’t know about you, but I concentrate like crazy during the eye exam. You don’t want to get no ‘D’ on that thing and end up with these big thick Coke bottle glasses.

I don’t know. I’d be a lot better off if I would’ve studied more when I was growing up, you know?

Some people look at creamed corn and ask, ‘Why?’ I look at creamed corn and ask, ‘Why not?’

I drove myself to the Emergency Room. That’s a nice relaxing drive. “Noooo, after you. Merge-everybody merge.”

Can you imagine being bilingual? Or even knowing anybody that was? I’m not even unilingual. Actually, I shouldn’t say that. I don’t give myself enough credit. I know enough English to, you know, get by. I can order in restaurants and stuff.

I don’t always see humor in things. Especially when I smash my pinky toe into a coffee table leg in the middle of the night. But sometimes I’ll see things, or experience things, that make me go, “Huh, maybe that’s a bit.”

You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I’m not gonna open two jars. I can’t be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives!

I always hate having to use the gym equipment after these huge buff guys who move, like, the entire rack of plates. Then I get on, and move two plates, you know like: Clank! Clank! I’m the two plate guy! Clank! Clank! Anyone wanna spot me? Clank! Clank!

They always say that Albert Einstein was a genius. Then how come when anyone ever calls you that, it’s an insult? ‘You don’t know where you parked the car? Good job, Einstein.’ I don’t think we’re honoring that man properly by using his name in vain in parking lots.