139 Quotes by Charlie Brooker

Everyone had clearly spent far too long perfecting their appearance. I used to feel intimidated by people like this; now I see them as walking insecurity beacons, slaves to the perceived judgment of others, trapped within a self- perpetuating circle of crushing status anxiety.

The iPad falls between two stools – not quite a laptop, not quite a smartphone. In other words, it’s the spork of the electronic consumer goods world.

Being slagged off is good for you. It thickens the skin and strengthens the backbone.

Society? Can we trust us? Doubt it. We’re probably not even real, as was revealed in the popular documentary The Matrix. That bloke next door? Made of pixels. Your co-workers? Pixels. You? One pixel. One measly pixel. You haven’t even got shoes, for Christ’s sake.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, which is a pity because this week the National Association of Beholders wrote to tell me that I’ve got a face like a rucksack full of dented bells.

Whenever anything nice happens in the world I always expect something appalling to happen immediately afterwards.

I’ve instinctively hated the Tories since birth.

If love were a product, the queue at the faulty goods desk would stretch right round the universe and back. It doesn’t work properly. The seams come apart and it’s full of powdered glass.

The biggest teenage taboo is being strait-laced. It’s easy to tell a researcher you went to a house party that turned into an orgy. It’s less easy to say you like eating toast and watching QI.