545 Quotes by Chelsea Handler

My father has a high opinion of his opinion

Can you imagine getting a gun for a secret Santa? That is especially not a good idea if you work in a post office.

It's a dream come true to have someone else portray me. Because I've been living this life for a long time, and I'm over myself.

Who's the president on the $100 bill? I don't know. I don't need to know because I don't use cash. I only use travelers checks.

My feeling is, if a dog is that hard up to break free, let it go. It's like a boyfriend who wants to break up. We all know the old adage "If you set someone free, and he never comes back, then he was never yours." I understand the main fear with setting dogs loose is they could get hit by a car, but so could an ex boyfriend. That's just a chance you have to take.

I didn't become a comedian to work this hard.

When I don't know what to do, I just open my mouth. Why won't anyone date me?

I'm into politics, and I love watching the heavier news magazine shows.

Hulk Hogan's wife has filed for divorce. This is the most devastating breakup since Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee. And then Pam Anderson and Kid Rock. And soon, Pam Anderson and Rick Salomon.