545 Quotes by Chelsea Handler

There are many ways to get to know someone, and my favorite is seeing them naked in Happy Baby pose.I also feel it is important to have sex soon after meeting someone in order to find out if you have sexual chemistry together. Otherwise, you could wait two to three months after you start dating someone only to discover that your new boyfriend is bad in bed, or even worse, is into anal beads and duct tape.

After discovering him in his threesome, I spent the next two weeks in bed suffering from a severe case of vagina elbow. It's a condition not unlike tennis elbow, but you get it from masturbating.

My mother is European and expresses her love through food and cuddling. She wasn't the type of mother who would make it to school plays or soccer games, but if you wanted to stay at home sick, she was your girl. Whenever you'd go up to her room to cuddle with her, she'd pull out a Kit Kat or Snickers bar from her night table and look at you with dancing eyes.

Judging other people had become my way of avoiding judgment of myself, and I had to do better than that.

Relationships without hiccups were too boring, so inevitably they had to end. Don't get comfortable. Uncomfortable and not knowing had become my comfort zone. I was always looking for an ultimatum - a way to test someone's commitment, to prove they would disappoint me, and if they didn't do anything wrong, I would find a way to prove they were disappointing before they even had a chance to be.

Never in the history of humankind has a woman been told to calm down and then calmed down. We don't like that.

For the record, I would like to state that never in the history of humankind has a woman been told to calm down and then calmed down. We don't like that

I'm loud and brash. Certain people find that off-putting. Most straight men find that off-putting. This isn't hard for me to understand. Why is it hard for you to understand?

Seeing your mother naked is not something you easily recover from. Seeing your mother naked and jumping from one side of a king-sized bed to the other with a nurse's hat on while your father, who is also naked, is chasing her with a bandanna around his neck, is reason to put yourself up for adoption.