545 Quotes by Chelsea Handler

If I had seen pictures of people eating each other on the wall, I would've told him I was into cannibalism.

I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.

I don't like to overdose. Call me old-fashioned.

Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.

I can't," I said. "I threw my back out masturbating.

I have a question. Is it okay to drink while you're pregnant...if you're planning on giving the baby up for adoption?

My mother agreed to aid my abuse of alcohol but only if I promised never to tell my newly converted Mormon sister, whose identity I had stolen.

Now that I had a better understanding of why I was so pissed off, I could finally do something about it.

I was in a tailspin of confusion I hadn't experienced since the first time I heard George W. Bush speak.