545 Quotes by Chelsea Handler

I didn't really spend much time with anyone my own age during high school because I believed my true calling would be representing New Jersey in the U.S. Senate, and if that didn't work out, I could always fall back on becoming an Olympic pole vaulter.

I thought maybe she was trying to be funny but then realized this was impossible to do without a sense of humor.

I love your personality," I said with wide eyes and an open smile. I had used this look before when a bank teller at Wells Fargo had threatened to put a ten-day hold on a check from my father because my average balance was $3.56.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

You should always speak your mind and be bold and obnoxious and do whatever you want and dont let anybody tell you to stop it

I could tell the raciest things these women had ever been involved in was a co-ed game of Connect Four.

There's nothing more annoying than a man ordering wine at a bar when you're not eating.

Your lack of geographical knowledge is truly astounding.

By the way he reacted, you would have thought I told him that slavery never happened. He laid into me with the same gusto as a right-wing political pundit on the O'Reilly Factor defending President Bush's right to vacation six days out of the week.