545 Quotes by Chelsea Handler

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

She cried the first time she was pulled over by a cop. I explained to her that there is no reason to cry when getting pulled over--unless you're coming directly from from a crime scene.

I had always dreamed of being a professional escort but never thought that there was any real money in it.

I define me. No event or person does this. I define me. I decide who I am and how I'm going to behave, and I choose to be better. To look more carefully, to trudge deeper. To think about other people's past and not judge someone for doing or handling something differently than I would. To understand my limitations, my shortcomings - that is my growth edge.

How could I have missed the opportunity to pop pills with my sister who was purer than a Quaker?

It is possible to chip your tooth while eating gummy bears when a plane is landing.

My time in heaven was up, and I was being told I wasn't the marrying kind by someone who undresses for a living.

I was lying here watching Dr. Phil, who, by the way, has some anger management issues. Doesn't his wife Robin look like she's been hypnotized? I feel like he goes home and beats her. The guy's an egomaniac and he's not doing a very [sic] job of covering it up by pretending to be interested in other people's problems.

I don't know who thought up waxing, but it was clearly the same person who invented Vicodin.