653 Quotes by Christopher Moore

At the pet store he picked out two painted turtles, each about as big around as a mayonnaise-jar lid. He bought them a large kidney shaped dish that had its own little island, a plastic palm tree, some aquatic plants, and a snail. The snail, presumably, to bolster the self-esteem of the turtles: "You think we're slow? Look at that guy." To store up the snail's morale in the same way, there was a rock.

Amy called the whale punkin.

The ocean there was bitterly cold, with an average visibility of eighteen inches, and a huge elephant seal rookery at the shore. Through the winter thousands of the rotund pinnipeds lay strewn across Pine Cove beaches like great barking turds, and although not dangerous in themselves, they were the dietary mainstay of the great white shark, which had evolved over 120 million years into the perfect excuse for never entering water over one’s ankles.

You think you know how this story is going to end, but you don't.

He tapped into the Zen of ignorance, the enlightenment of absurdity.

[after Sammy struggles to unhook Stilton's bra]She rolled onto her face to give him a good shot at the hook in the back. "Free my people!""I will. I am the Harriet Tubman of your breasts.

And that continued for quite a while until the adventurer admitted that it IS an accepted fact among monsters and giants of all stripes that Englishmen are delicious.

The music coming from inside sounded like robots fucking. And complaining about it. In rhythmic monotone. European robots.

She gave him the wide, green-eyed expression that she would have described as I will slap you so far into next week that it will take a team of surgeons just to get Wednesday out of your ass.