23 Quotes by Clement Freud

If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don’t actually live longer; it just seems longer.

If you mind losing more than you enjoy winning, don’t bet.

If anyone tells me I’m fat, I say, – That’s because every time I make love to your wife, she gives me a biscuit.

There’s no law that decrees when not to whinge, but you reach a certain age – 80 seems about right – when you’re expected to manifest querulousness – the coffee’s too hot, the boiled egg’s too soft...

I’ve known Nicholas Parsons for a fairly long time and his geniune pleasures are in rubber tubes, metal clips.