752 Quotes by Conan O'Brien

Last night's vice presidential debate between Joe Biden and Sarah Palin drew much higher ratings than the presidential debate. Did you know that? Yeah. Yeah, Biden attracted viewers who enjoyed his previous debate appearances, and Palin attracted viewers who enjoyed the movie 'Fargo.'

According to a CNN poll, Trump nearly doubled his support from March. Actually, he just combed his March numbers over his current ones.

Today's tragedy in Paris reminds us very viscerally that it's a right that some people are inexplicably forced to die for. So it's very important tonight that I express that everybody who works at our comedy show, all of us are terribly sad for the families and people of France and anybody in the world tonight who now has to think twice before making a joke. It's not the way it's supposed to be.

Time magazine has selected their person of the year. Guess what, it's President-elect Barack Obama. Yeah, ironically, Ebony magazine announced their person of the year, and it's Ed Begley Jr.

Scientists have found a way to keep middle-aged female mice from going through menopause. Now they're working on a way to keep middle-aged male mice from buying expensive sports cars.

A new report says ISIS is trying to recruit professionals like doctors, engineers, and accountants. Sorry, kids, even ISIS says they're not hiring liberal arts majors.

This is really hard to do but I'd like to change the tone now and briefly mention today's terrible tragedy in France. Twelve people were killed because a satirical newspaper made jokes that some group found offensive. All of us are accustomed to bad news from around the world. But this story hits home for anybody who mocks anyone.

In the news, Chinese president Hu Jintao says that now that Barack Obama has been elected, he is looking forward to taking the relationship between China and the U.S. to the next level. That's what he said. Yeah. Then he said, 'Who knows, maybe we'll even go all the way.'

President Obama has pledged $3 billion to aid poor nations. All of that $3 billion is going to the United States.