752 Quotes by Conan O'Brien

The turkey that President Obama will pardon this Thanksgiving is from California. The turkey said, "I don't need a pardon. I need a job.'

Today in Washington, D.C., several government buildings were left without power. Of course, the White House will be without power for two more years.

Egypt is in the second day of angry street protests. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is calling for calm. Because nothing calms an enraged Arab country like a powerful woman ordering it around.

I think in future people will take television in eyedrop form. All media will be in eyedrops.

George Clooney says he's had sex with too many women to ever run for office. He was immediately made Prime Minister of Italy.

The Justice Department ruled that Native American tribes are allowed to grow and sell marijuana on reservations. This decision was hailed as a victory by Native American leader Giggling Eagle.

Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.

MSNBC has abruptly ended their relationship with Keith Olbermann, and according to his contract he's not allowed back on television for at least six months. Or as industry experts call it, The Conan.

San Francisco is the only city in America where marijuana is legal but plastic bags are not.