752 Quotes by Conan O'Brien

I'm shocked to find out we still sell something people want.

This cowardly, back-tracking, fast-talking, slick character, to me, is probably the most imitated character and persona that's in comedy.

According to some reports coming out of Washington today, President Obama said Kanye West is a 'jackass.' Not since 'yes, we can' has Obama found a slogan so many Americans can get behind.

Time magazine announced its person of the year. It's health workers who treat Ebola. That's a person of the year. Time magazine told the health workers, 'No need to pick up your award, we'll mail it to you.'

Don't thank your parents. If you were raised in a nurturing environment, you wouldn't be in show business. Don't say, 'Wow, this is heavy.' Of course it's heavy. It contains the shattered dreams of four other people.

The top 15 contenders for the Republican nomination own at least 40 guns among them. If we elect a Republican president no one is hopping over the White House fence ever again.

It's April 15, tax day. The federal tax code is over 74,000 pages long. But stick with it because after page 72,000, it gets really good.

One of the candidates running for governor is a 100-year-old woman. Yeah, the 100-year-old says she'd like to recall Governor Gray Davis, but more importantly, she'd like to recall where she left her teeth.

It's not every day I get to meet the president of a country.