752 Quotes by Conan O'Brien

Patriots quarterback Tom Brady says he thinks it would be great if Donald Trump was president. Which is really weird because I thought Brady didn’t like things that are filled with too much air.

When all else fails there’s always delusion.

Yesterday, the country of Kosovo unveiled an 11-foot tall statue of former President Clinton. Yeah. That’s right. The Clinton statue is so life-like, it’s already been slapped 12 times.

Donald Trump insisted yesterday that he is not racist, because one time an African-American won Apprentice. Because nothing says ‘not racist’ like making a black man run your errands.

Don’t be cynical; it leads nowhere. If you work hard, and are kind, amazing things will happen to you.

The Romneys have a horse competing in the Olympics. Ann Romney’s horse failed to win a medal in the dressage event today, which is a shame because if there’s one thing that family needs, it’s more gold.

Congress is debating a kill switch that would allow President Obama to freeze all activity on the internet if there was a national emergency. The kill switch goes by the top-secret code name ‘Microsoft Windows.’

In West Virginia yesterday, a man was arrested for stealing several blow-up dolls. Reportedly, police didn’t have any trouble catching the man because he was completely out of breath.

People are mad a Donald Trump for allegedly making a joke about Megyn Kelly having her period. Trump said, ‘Trust me, I know what goes on down there, because I’m a huge douche.’