752 Quotes by Conan O'Brien

The drug lord is on the run. His name is El Chapo. Donald Trump is in a Twitter feud with this Mexican drug lord. It’s historic – the first time Americans have ever sided with a Mexican drug lord.

I like being tested. I get as scared as anyone. But the feeling of putting yourself on the line, betting on your talent and having it work; that’s the most exhilarating feeling in the world.

California has gone insane. According to the latest poll, Arnold Schwarzenegger is leading in California’s governor’s race by 34 points. You can tell that Governor Gray Davis is worried because he spent all day yesterday working on his pecs.

I’m a paranoid person. And I think – I’m the kind of person that can come up with lots of negative scenarios. But I remembered thinking that seemed like – that was a stretch even for me.

It was reported today that the machine on board the International Space Station that turns urine into drinking water has been fixed. After hearing this, an astronaut said, ‘Wait. You mean that wasn’t lemon Tang?’

Nobody knows really what they’re doing and there’s two ways to go with that information. One is to be afraid and the other is to be liberated, and I choose to be liberated by it.

There are few things more liberating in this life than having your worst fear realized.

It’s rumored that Arnold Schwarzenegger’s son is cheating on his girlfriend Miley Cyrus. After hearing about it Arnold said, ‘That’s my boy.’

If you can really laugh at yourself loud and hard every time you fall, people will think you’re drunk.