752 Quotes by Conan O'Brien

Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, ‘Jesus! This cup is expensive!’

The prime minister of Ireland will be celebrating St. Patrick’s Day at the White House. So finally the Secret Service agents will have a drinking buddy.

George Clooney says he’s had sex with too many women to ever run for office. He was immediately made Prime Minister of Italy.

I’ve always heard that women secretly want their father. So I used to walk around in a 1950s business suit, with a hat and a pipe. My opening line would be, ‘You should be getting to bed now.’

Donald Trump called George W. Bush ‘the worst president in the history of the United States.’ Then he added, ‘Until, of course, I’m elected.’

Scientists say because of global warming they expect the world’s oceans to rise four and a half feet. The scientists say this can mean only one thing: Gary Coleman is going to drown.

Tomorrow is Election Day. That’s the day we Americans wake up, consider our options, and then remember we didn’t register to vote.

Today in Sri Lanka, Pope Francis visited a Buddhist temple. When asked why, the Pope said, ‘Just keeping my options open. It’s a dicey job market. You never know.’

Chris Christie said he will top Donald Trump’s Iowa State Fair helicopter entrance by riding in on a pony. As a result, all the ponies in Iowa have gone into hiding.