752 Quotes by Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump is the grandson of German immigrants. Don’t worry. The last time a German guy with crazy hair took over a country, everything turned out fine.

John Travolta said he sometimes lets his friends take control of his airplane even though they don’t know what they’re doing. Then Travolta said he often does the same thing with his career.

Donald Trump said that if President Obama releases his birth certificate, Trump will release his tax return. Obama said he won’t run for a second term if Trump releases that thing on his head.

Presidential campaign getting kind of ugly, did you hear about this? Yesterday, a 27-year-old woman came for to deny rumors that she had an affair with Democratic front-runner John Kerry. The woman added, ‘I would never cheat on Bill Clinton.’

I picked out my Halloween costume. I’m going as ‘Slutty Madeleine Albright.’

Al Gore announced he is finishing up a new book about global warming and the environment. Yeah, the first chapter talks about how you shouldn’t chop down trees to make a book that no one will read.

A woman on a Southwest Airlines flight gave birth to a baby. As soon as he was born, the baby said, ‘I had more leg room in the womb.’

In his press conference last night, President Bush said he could not remember a single mistake he had made in the last two years. The president’s exact quote was: ‘I ain’t make none mistakes ever.’

Don’t thank your parents. If you were raised in a nurturing environment, you wouldn’t be in show business. Don’t say, ‘Wow, this is heavy.’ Of course it’s heavy. It contains the shattered dreams of four other people.