752 Quotes by Conan O'Brien

North Korean leader Kim Jong Un has been awarded the highest rank in the country’s military. The decision was praised by everyone from Parliamentary leader Kim Jong Un to opposition leader Kim Jong Un.

They say there are only two kinds of people on St. Patrick’s Day: the Irish, and the people that drive them home.

Dropkick Murphys, everybody! That’s a band!

Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg fell asleep during Obama’s speech. She woke up with the other justices drawing a gavel on her face.

If you work really hard, and you’re kind, amazing things will happen.

A public relations firm said that rock star David Lee Roth owes them over $110,000. The strange thing is that it’s the first time that David Lee Roth has had any publicity in ten years.

Russia’s Vladimir Putin appeared in public for the first time after a mysterious 10-day absence. Putin said it took him that long to recover from the finale of ‘The Bachelor.’

Iran may have attacked ISIS. Do you know how long it’s been since I have been able to wear my “Go Iran” T-shirt?

The CEO of the Olive Garden blames his company’s low profits on Obamacare – which is odd because most people won’t eat at the Olive Garden until they have health insurance.