752 Quotes by Conan O'Brien

Texas is reportedly going to give college students the right to carry guns on campus. So I guess that next semester, every college student in Texas is getting straight A’s.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is in trouble after tapes surfaced of him saying negative things about other Republicans. Actually the Schwarzenegger tapes surfaced last year, but they weren’t deciphered until this week.

The other day John McCain appeared on the show ‘The View,’ and one of the hosts accused McCain of being a liar. Yeah, she may have a point, because McCain started the interview by saying, ‘Ladies, you look beautiful.’

Michael Jackson was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. It caused quite a controversy, because his nose isn’t eligible for another fifteen years.

Tomorrow night President Obama will announce his new immigration plan. Obama’s favorite part of his new immigration plan is that he gets to emigrate to another country. He’s tired of all this.

NBC is making a movie about Martha Stewart that will cover the recent stock scandal. They are thinking of calling it ‘The Road To Extradition.’

I can’t wait for the Republican debates to start and there’s literally 65 guys on one stage.

A new report reveals that New Jersey Governor Chris Christie spent over $82,000 on food at NFL games. Christie said, ‘Hey, both of those games went into overtime.’

President Obama announced that he’s going to reopen diplomatic relations with Cuba. He wants to act before Seth Rogen makes a movie about Castro.