752 Quotes by Conan O'Brien

Tax day was yesterday. And marijuana growers are complaining that they can’t write off a single expense thanks to federal laws. Well, apparently someone tried to claim the Phish tour as his home office and that’s not going to happen.

It’s April 15, tax day. The federal tax code is over 74,000 pages long. But stick with it because after page 72,000, it gets really good.

In a new interview, Newt Gingrich says he cheated on two of his wives because he was too consumed with love for his country. Yeah, apparently he misunderstood the phrase, ‘Please rise for the Pledge of Allegiance.’

Yesterday the IRS announced that obese Americans are entitled to certain tax breaks. Apparently, under the new rules, you’re allowed to claim two or more chins as dependents.

Thousands of Mexicans gathered in Mexico City to protest high food prices. The protest only lasted an hour, because everyone had to leave for their jobs in Los Angeles.

Marco Rubio announced he’s running for president. Fun fact: Marco Rubio’s wife is a former Miami Dolphins cheerleader. In other words, she knows how to generate fake enthusiasm for someone who’s not going to win.

Officials at the White House are saying that President Bush hasn’t changed his schedule much since the war started. The main difference, they say, is that he’s started watching the news and taping Sponge Bob.

The top two movies at the box office this weekend were ‘High School Musical 3’ and ‘Saw V.’ One movie features gruesome onscreen torture that is difficult to watch and the other is about a guy with a saw.

Yesterday Michael Phelps set an all-time Olympic record for most medals. Phelps has so much gold on his chest he’s been asked to join the cast of ‘Jersey Shore.’