752 Quotes by Conan O'Brien

In China, people are selling their kidney to buy an iPhone 6. What’s going to happen when the iPhone 7 comes out?

Arnold Schwarzenegger has been offered a role in a sequel to ‘The Terminator.’ In this one he travels back in time and kills the person who suggested he run for governor.

Yesterday during a speech on national security, Jeb Bush mispronounced Boko Haram and got confused between Iran and Iraq. When reached for comment, his brother George W. said, ‘He sure sounds presidentiary to me.’

I’ve always believed, in my heart of hearts, that it would be a better show if, when I crossed over to the desk, the band kept playing for an hour and I danced in a cage.

Scientists have found a way to keep middle-aged female mice from going through menopause. Now they’re working on a way to keep middle-aged male mice from buying expensive sports cars.

The White House admitted that Vice President Biden’s endorsement of gay marriage forced him to come out in favor of it. So in a related story millions of Americans are trying to get Biden hooked on pot.

California’s 74-year-old Senator Barbara Boxer announced she will not run for re-election in 2016. When I saw the headline ‘74-Year-Old Boxer,’ I assumed they were making another ‘Rocky’ movie.

Thirty-five things have to go wrong for the best thing to happen in your career.

Hillary Clinton is now driving from New York to Iowa. It’s been called the least-exciting spring break trip in history.