752 Quotes by Conan O'Brien

The Canadian government continues to say they will not help us if we go to war with Iraq. However, the prime minister of Canada said he’d like to help, but he’s pretty sure that last time he checked, Canada had no army.

MSNBC has abruptly ended their relationship with Keith Olbermann, and according to his contract he’s not allowed back on television for at least six months. Or as industry experts call it, The Conan.

There’s a new children’s book that’s coming out that features Sarah Palin as a hero. I don’t want to give away the ending, but we finally find out who shot Bambi’s mother.

Among the top Google searches of 2014 were Ebola and the movie ‘Frozen.’ One leaves you with something highly infectious that’s impossible to get out of your system. The other is Ebola.

Hillary Clinton announced she’s running for president. Yesterday in Ohio, Hillary popped into a Chipotle and she ordered a burrito bowl with chips and salsa. And on her way out she said, ‘That locks down the Hispanic vote.’

Lenscrafters is upset with Tea Partier Michele Bachmann because she called Planned Parenthood ‘the Lenscrafters of abortion.’ Lenscrafters released a statement today calling her ‘the Costco of crazy.’

NBC announced that during the summer Olympics they will set a new record by airing over 1200 hours of coverage. Which is amazing because that’s 10 hours longer than the coverage of Reagan’s funeral.

At the state dinner for Chinese President Hu Jintao, Hu opened a fortune cookie that said, ‘You will lend us another trillion dollars.’

After Donald Trump’s derogatory comments about immigrants, NBC has officially cancelled Celebrity Apprentice. Think about it: Donald Trump isn’t even president yet, and he’s already made America a better place!