752 Quotes by Conan O'Brien

Several hard-core Star Wars fans who had tickets for the first showing actually said that when the movie finally began, they started crying. Mainly because they realized that it’s 22 years later, and they still haven’t lost their virginity.

Oprah Winfrey just announced that she’s planning to attend Barack Obama’s inauguration. Oprah says she’s very excited to see Obama become the second-most powerful person in the world.

Possible controversy for the Obama campaign. Republicans are now accusing Barack Obama’s campaign of voter fraud, because some of the people they’ve registered sound like they have fake names. Apparently, the fakest-sounding name is Barack Obama.

Top Democrats have mixed feelings about Sen. Hillary Clinton running for president. Apparently, some Democrats don’t like the idea, while others hate it.

The Republican-controlled House voted to repeal the healthcare bill. If that goes well, they’ll see what they can do about this whole ‘women voting’ thing.

President Obama said the small drone that flew over the White House fence yesterday could be bought at any RadioShack. After hearing this, the RadioShack CEO said, ‘I’m shocked to find out we still sell something people want.’

Jeb Bush is getting his presidential campaign in gear. Last week he said he supports a path to citizenship for immigrants. He said, ‘I believe in an America where hard work and dedication can lead to any job that your brother and dad once had.’

If I existed 200 years ago, all the other farmers in my community would be like, ‘That guy is worthless! He’s sitting on a rock, jumping up like a frog, coming up with weird concepts and ideas, making faces, and combing his hair into a giant pastry.’ It’s a good thing I was born in this century, when superfluous television seems to be part of the economy.

The Northeast is being hit with a major snowstorm. Forecasters said they’ve haven’t seen a whiteout like this since last week’s Oscar nominations.