636 Quotes by Craig ferguson

  • Author Craig ferguson
  • Quote

    New iPod. It looks like an iPhone but it can't make phone calls. So its really just an iPhone.

  • Tags
  • Share

  • Author Craig ferguson
  • Quote

    There is a new survey out about the happiest professions. I think the whole premise is flawed. You're supposed to find true happiness outside of work. From friends, family, and YouTube videos of old people falling down.

  • Tags
  • Share

  • Author Craig ferguson
  • Quote

    The rain is giving much needed relief to California's crops. By that I mean 'marijuana.'

  • Tags
  • Share

  • Author Craig ferguson
  • Quote

    The first ads for medical marijuana have started airing on television in California. The ads are quite expensive. It costs a lot of money to buy 30 seconds during 'Spongebob Squarepants.'

  • Tags
  • Share



  • Author Craig ferguson
  • Quote

    In Washington, the U.S. House passed a bill unanimously. Every single member of both parties voted for it. What was it? To deny Social Security benefits to Nazis. So from now on, no SS for the SS.

  • Tags
  • Share

  • Author Craig ferguson
  • Quote

    I haven't had a drink in thirteen years, but occasionally I'm tempted to have one beer. The problem is that if I have that one beer, I wake up in Tijuana four days later with a tattoo and a sore ass

  • Tags
  • Share

  • Author Craig ferguson
  • Quote

    Cannabis always made me paranoid; I felt like people were watching me. And now I'm sober, and I've got this talk show in the middle of the night on CBS, and I now know that no one is watching me.

  • Tags
  • Share