636 Quotes by Craig ferguson

You can never talk religion on network TV. It makes too many people angry. You can talk about sex.

My mother was tickled and I think kind of proud when my father got hit on my an attractive middle-aged Asian lady who hadn't noticed he was with his family. He was certainly pleased about it.

I knew that I had been partially right in the storeroom above the bar on Christmas Day. Whoever I had become had to die.

I like football. I find its an exciting strategic game. Its a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.

I think holidays create so much pressure because people feel they should be having a good time. But you shouldn't.

You better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout, I'm telling you why,Cause Santa Clause might put a cap in your ass.

At CBS, I’m in your house. I’m mindful of that. When I do standup, you’re in my home and I can say what I want to.

I don’t think being a comedian gives you any fucking insight into what makes people laugh.

It 's the time of year when Canadians mate.