636 Quotes by Craig ferguson

Sarah Palin. Remember Sarah Palin? She is adorable. She is back on the campaign trail. Really. She's going to campaign in the Senate runoff in Georgia. As soon as she finds out where Georgia is.

Don't hit women. Never, ever, ever.

Even a chameleon needs the proper amount of suction.

I know that's not the right accent, but I can't do the right accent. It's either the wrong accent or another Octomom joke.

It takes a long time to become a lawyer because you need three things – a bachelor’s degree, a law degree, and a desire to worship Satan.

I’m always a bit shy around evil people...

I think the scores for Olympic gymnastics are affected by what countries the judge and the gymnast are from. That’s wrong. That type of political pandering isn’t meant for gymnastic Olympic events. It’s meant for the Supreme Court.

I used to psych myself up before the show and now I do the complete opposite: I psych myself down. It’s 12:30 at night, you don’t want some guy yelling at you. You want some guy just talking to you.

Change is the law of God’s mind and resistance to it is the source of all pain.