636 Quotes by Craig ferguson

Here in Los Angeles, school’s out for summer. For thousands of school kids, this is the first week of summer vacation. And for thousands of parents, it’s the first week of hell.

I’m so excited about the new iPad, I just iPeed my iPants.

My pilot’s license. I’m proud of that.

The Smurfs 2 is a great movie. The Smurfs are tiny little creatures that everybody loves. They’re like Justin Bieber – minus the part about everybody loving him.

I got sober. I stopped killing myself with alcohol. I began to think: ‘Wait a minute – if I can stop doing this, what are the possibilities?’ And slowly it dawned on me that it was maybe worth the risk.

There’s something spiritual in hard work. Spirituality isn’t all aromatherapy and scented candles.

Thank heaven Election Day is over. No more campaign ads, no more mud-slinging, no more candidates pretending they’re straight. It’s over!

Last night on the show I had Olympics fever. Unfortunately, it’s getting worse. That’s not good. I have to call my doctor if my torch burns for more than four hours.

If a man doesn’t know how to dance he doesn’t know how to make love, there I said it!