636 Quotes by Craig ferguson

Santa blows all these shipping companies away. He delivers more than 2 billion packages in just 24 hours. He does it by sleigh. He doesn’t use tracking numbers and doesn’t use trucks. He just uses midgets and a giant bag.

Every year there’s a jury at the Cannes Film Festival. Getting on the jury is very competitive in France. Not because the French love cinema, but because they love to judge.

Cannabis always made me paranoid; I felt like people were watching me. And now I’m sober, and I’ve got this talk show in the middle of the night on CBS, and I now know that no one is watching me.

I’ve got mixed feelings about poetry cause done well poetry is fantastic. But not many people are capable of doing it well. I think you should have some kind of license to perform poetry. A poetic license perhaps.

I’m a vulgar lounge entertainer, I don’t need to wear a tie.

He will know from and early age that failure is not disgrace. It’s just a pitch that you missed, and you’d better get ready for the next one. The next one might be the shot heard round the world. My son and I are Americans, we prepare for glory by failing until we don’t.

Tomorrow is your future’s yesterday.

This book could scare them. The sex, the violence, the dream sequences and the iconoclasm – I think a lot of people are uncomfortable with that. I understand that. It was very uncomfortable to write some of it.

Appear tougher or cooler or funnier than you feel and there is a chance you’ll make it.