636 Quotes by Craig ferguson

The Danes are causing a bit of trouble. The kingdom of Denmark claimed the North Pole as their own. Hey, you can’t just reach out and take something if you want it, Denmark. That’s Russia’s job.

Don’t ever rope me in as a late-night talk show host. I don’t want to be one.

If I start giving people what they like I’ll turn into one of them and I don’t want to be one of them I want to be one of me.

The queen banishes Snow White because of her beauty. But the dwarves help Snow White because they’re smitten by that very beauty. It teaches kids an important lesson: Nothing matters except for your looks.

They’ve found a link between chemicals in shampoo and obesity. If you’re eating shampoo, your weight is the least of your concerns.

Former president George W. Bush released his new memoir. By the way, ‘memoir’ is just a fancy word for ’a bunch of stuff that happened to me.

I don’t just like sexual double entendres I love them, I stroke them, I milk them, I spank them when they’re naughty.

If you don’t vote, you’re a moron.

In some countries Women’s Day is a national holiday and men give women flowers. In America Women’s Day falls on another holiday, Mardi Gras, where men give women beads in the respectful and post-feminist desire to see their naked boobies.