636 Quotes by Craig ferguson

The difference between a broadcaster and a host is that a host tells stories and dumb jokes, but a broadcaster can articulate deeper like, you know – things and stuff.

Every year law schools churn out thousands of lawyers. We don’t need any more lawyers. We need more lawyers like we need more talk-show hosts.

Betty White met with President Obama at the White House. President Obama invited Betty personally because she’s great with animals. And the president’s still having a tough time house-training Joe Biden.

I’m careful with money.

Italian women are some of the most beautiful in the world. This is why the Vatican is in Italy. If a man can walk across Italy and retain his celibacy, he’s got what it takes to be a priest – or an interior decorator.

A new restaurant here in Southern California requires women to wear high heels. I’m outraged! This is sexist! Why just the women?

I have that hypocrisy of a parent in that I’m like,’Come on, you’ve got to toughen up at the same time let me take care of that for you.

CBS announced they’re canceling As The World Turns. Don’t worry though, if you’re addicted to the twisted plots, the intrigue, the illicit sex, you can still watch golf.

My father had a very unusual psychic ability, he could detect water. It’s called divining. He would use a Y-shaped U-branch, and he could find water with that, which is a very impressive skill in a country where it rains 365 days of the year.