636 Quotes by Craig ferguson

I do a show. It comes on late at night on TV. And if that means I’m a late-night talk show host, then I guess I am, but in every other regard I resign my commission, I don’t care for it.

I haven’t had a drink in thirteen years, but occasionally I’m tempted to have one beer. The problem is that if I have that one beer, I wake up in Tijuana four days later with a tattoo and a sore ass.

Technically my dog’s naked most of the time. Except halloween, when I dress him up as Liza Minelli.

I don’t like my politicians entertaining me and I don’t like my entertainers politicianing me.

I’ve started looking at my own father a bit funny. He assures me, though, that I really am the son of a Scottish postman.

From this moment on I’d dedicate my life to rock and roll and take as many drugs as possible. What could possibly go wrong?

Look, there is nothing you can say about this show that I don’t already know.

I’m not so much a dragon slayer, more a dragon annoyer – I’m a dragon irritater.

The truth is, you win the Lotto. That’s really how you have to approach it. You’re a lottery winner when you get a sitcom and it goes.