636 Quotes by Craig ferguson

The virus in the movie ‘Contagion’ is based on the bird flu which came out of nowhere back in 2008. Everyone thought it was going to change the way we live and it just faded away. Wait a minute, I’m talking about President Obama.

If we are now holding late-night talk-show hosts to the same moral accountability as we hold politicians or clergymen, I’m out. I’m gone.

There’s just a feeling you get from certain things you do in life that just kind of feel pure and independent of what’s actually, physically, going on.

I can’t wait to see the debate between Ryan and Joe Biden. Biden is said to be already trying out different strategies. So far the one that Obama likes is where Biden pretends to have food poisoning and they cancel the debate.

In the past I’ve been hard on the vegans. I’ve called them Prius-driving fascists, but now I am one of them. I have been turned to the dark side.

Only tyrants and fools made martyrs. He was certainly no fool. And he was no tyrant either- how could he be, he had suffered a hideous stroke. He was a victim. The victim excuse, where evil is born.

There’s a commercial break coming and I’m very excited about it and you know why? Because that’s what keeps daddy in suits.

You know when you’re a kid and you think, ‘Oh no, I’ve got double math, this is never gonna end,’ but then it ends, and it’s like it never happened? That’s like life.

BP CEO Tony Hayward said recently, ‘No one wants this thing over more than I do. I’d like my life back.’ Tony, I’m so sorry you had your summer disrupted. I’d buy you a drink, but you’d probably spill that too and make me clean it up.