636 Quotes by Craig ferguson

Some people take the spelling bee very seriously. These people are called “parents of children in the spelling bee.” They’re trying to make up for their own childhood of crushed dreams and misspelled words.

Happy Cinco de Mayo. If you don’t know what that means, maybe you’re a little out of touch – or maybe you’re the governor of Arizona.

The rain is giving much needed relief to California’s crops. By that I mean ‘marijuana.’

I don’t know now if I’m funny. I just keep talking and hope that I hit something that’s funny.

You know who sang at Rush Limbaugh’s wedding? Elton John! According to Rush, gay people can sing at weddings. Just not their own.

Director Oliver Stone says he’s going to make a movie about Vladimir Putin. I can’t believe anyone would want to work with that insane communist. And Putin is a little crazy as well.

Climate change is a serious problem. We all need to do what we can. Unless that means I’ve got to change stuff. Then I’m not doing it.

Well, everyone, welcome to Shark Week. Oh that’s on CBS and there’s been a lot of cutbacks, so it’s just Friday night for a couple of minutes. And we don’t have any sharks, just an immigrant with a puppet. Hey, but it’s a start!

I remember talking to someone early on after I was sober about how I suddenly felt awkward at parties. They said, ‘Well, you’re supposed to. Everyone feels awkward at parties.’ It’s an appropriate feeling to feel.