636 Quotes by Craig ferguson

I think commercialism helps Christmas and I think that the more capitalism we can inject into the Christmas holiday the more spiritual I feel about it.

Justin Bieber’s tour bus was stopped by Canadian border patrol agents. And they found marijuana. The agents said Bieber was a disgrace to Canada and should never come back. Then they found the marijuana.

If it doesn’t work, at least it will be an interesting train wreck.

Don’t protest outside of a rich man’s house in the daytime, you’ll just scare the maid, and that’s Arnold Schwarzenegger’s job.

Historically, when Americans don’t know what to do next, they go to Paris. Benjamin Franklin is like: ‘What am I going to do now? I’ll go to Paris!’

According to a new study, our email is not as safe as we thought. How do they know this? They’ve been reading my email.

Osama bin Laden’s death has been in the news all day. Leftish stations are going, ‘President Obama saves the world.’ Stations on the right are going, ‘Obama kills fellow Muslim.’

I think when you become a parent you go from being a star in the movie of your own life to the supporting player in the movie of someone else’s.

This story is true. Of course, there are many lies therein and most of it did not happen, but it’s all true. In that sense it is deeply religious, perhaps even biblical.