636 Quotes by Craig ferguson

I was 15 years old when I was in this band; we were called Stag. We used to wear spandex pants and no underwear – we looked like marbles smugglers.

For me, comedy should have a certain amount of joy in it. It should be about attacking the powerful – the politicians, the Trumps, the blowhards – going after them. We shouldn’t be attacking the vulnerable.

This is my first week as an American citizen. It’s amazing. Now I can vote in the general election – and for American Idol.

Great, as long as you’re happy.

I said that the only way I could have a band that would work in the format of my show is if the band were crap. So if I have a band they’d have to really suck.

Clay Aiken ran for Congress in North Carolina. But he didn’t make it. Clay Aiken is famous for coming in second in a TV popularity contest that most people got fed up with years ago. He also lost on ‘American Idol.’

The whole idea of re-releasing old movies does bother me a little bit. If they’re going to re-release an old movie, I should be able to get in with my old ticket.

Another one of President Barack Obama’s nominees is having tax issues, which proves one thing: The Democrats like raising the taxes, but they hate paying them.

It is a great day for the great state of Texas. The last person being tested for Ebola has come back clean. So Texas is now Ebola free. This was a big week for them. They’re now free of Ebola – and Democrats.