636 Quotes by Craig ferguson

I just do my thing and try each show to be more honest about why I am and who I am. It’s quite tricky and actually nerve-racking to do that. It’s kind of a happy train wreck.

The White House announced plans to begin normalizing relations with Cuba – this as we’re awkwardizing relations with Russia.

I’m hooked on email. That’s right, kids, I’m one of you.

Dell Computers announced they’re releasing a competitor for the iPad. Now it is, in fact, a great alternative for people who already have an iPad, but are fed up with it working all the time.

I enjoy bathing, as many Europeans don’t.

Wait! Don’t applaud my cheapness! I’ve got other crap I need help with!

Here’s a tip for all you aspiring young comics: Don’t beat up the customers. It is very difficult to get laughs from an audience when you’ve actually drawn blood from one of their number. It kills the mood.

The ‘Star Wars’ movie is coming out. Disney has kept the details of the movie under wraps because they’re not Sony.

I don’t know why I was so afraid of failure; the most interesting people I know have failed more than they have succeeded. This may be because life is not as simple as it appears to a desperately ambitious young man, or it could be that all my friends are losers.