636 Quotes by Craig ferguson

Oprah’s quitting in 2011. Now we know why the Mayans ended their calendar in 2012.

For a while, some schools across the country were banning spelling bees. For obvious reasons, of course – steroids.

It’s a great day for Sarah Palin. She was hired as a commentator for Fox News. She signed a multi-year contract, which means she’ll probably quit after a year.

That’s the thing about terrorism – it works. Especially for the terrorists – they might not get what they want but it feels damn good trying.

You know who they’re blaming for global warming now? This is true. Fat people.

I salute Rick Perry for the way he’s trying to overcome this. Today he came out and said he’s not one of those slick politicians, that this just shows his human side, and some third excuse he can’t remember.

I think I’ll be Scottish in every movie I write. They always try to talk me out of it, but Woody Allen is always a nebbish New Yorker. Why shouldn’t I be a goofy Glaswegian?

If you absolutely believe that what you do is right, you’re bullet-proof.

114 isn’t as old as it used to be they say its the new 104.