350 Quotes by Dane Cook

I'm focused on staying as healthy as I can so I can work more.

We never had a pool, right. So one summer, I remember. My dad, to make me happy. You know I was bummed out cause we didn't have the pool. So one summer he bought us this thing. It was yellow, you laid it on the lawn, sprayed it with the water, run across. Slip n' Slide. Yeah. Would have been fun if dad checked for rocks before he laid it down! Slip n' Bleed from the anus they should have called this ride.

I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more.

A couple of days back, I got into a car accident. Not my fault. Even if it's not your fault, the other person gets out of their car and looks at you like it's your fault: Why did you stop at a red light and let me hit you doing 80!

In the year 3000, everything will be instant.

I feel like people who don't brag are trying to make you jealous by thinking they're hiding something more even exciting.

You have to learn the crowd. I just pay attention to them so I can make sure I can make them laugh.

I'm a deep thinker when it comes to shallow no brainers.

I do try to keep my show very improvisational. I don't work off a set list; I like to keep it more in the moment. I like to have information about where I'm going, what might be happening in that particular region as well. I like for people to feel like the show is for them.