350 Quotes by Dane Cook

You can easily tell if a person is lying and cheating on you if they say, I love you. I would never lie to you or cheat on you.

It's hard to be happy for someone when you know deep down they'd kill you if they had the chance.

Every great thing starts with an idea, followed by a doubt and finally a resolve to abandon or pursue. Victory is a treacherous journey.

When you delete pictures of your ex off your phone, it feels lighter.

I found someones passport on the ground tonight. Where do you sell these things?

When a guy says "I have no idea what you're talking about" it means "I'm thinking of exactly what you're saying I did while I lie to you."

I'm bringing back the skinny tie but wearing it tied around my balls.

I think beating someone to death with a ukulele would just sound funny.

I miss dating only for that final moment you kiss goodnight, watch her get out of your car and run into the police station.