350 Quotes by Dane Cook

Text a guy you like right now, "I'm thinking about you." If he says, "mmm are you in bed?" Never speak to him again he's a lifelong moron.

After you have loss in your life and after you experience something like losing your parents, the greatest gift of that was it prepared me for [anything]. Nothing else is as scary, and certainly stand-up comedy is not as scary as sitting there with your mom and having to have last conversations and things like that. It's heavy stuff, but it's enlightening because it makes me think I shouldn't be afraid of sharing ideas and thoughts with people. It's the yin and the yang of life.

I love singing along to the radio while I'm riding in the back of a squad car.

When someone's running late through an airport, I hope they miss their flight so they can meet the love of their life at the duty free shop.

What am I supposed to say to an atheist when he sneezes, ah, when you die nothing happens.

Teach your kids to make deplorable choices and hopefully they'll rebel and make the right ones.

It's the worst feeling when you come home alone late at night and think the stranger sitting on your couch is a pile of clothes.

I'm not racist, I've got a black president.

I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.