350 Quotes by Dane Cook

I was home educated but would skip my lessons to go hang out at school.

True love is when you're cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!

If you lie to a person at least tell someone else you've lied to the truth. It balances out your karma.

You can't teach an old hater new truths.

I'm in a new club, by the way. And I don't know if you're first timers like I am, but I'm in the 'I Just Dropped My Cell Phone In My Own Piss' Club. Have you done that? Yeah, good times. I'm on the phone and I forget that I'm using shoulder technique. Urinals were taken so I went in to use the regular john. And as I'm standing there, mid-conversation, I'm like 'Are you serious?' and it just started to toboggan right down my powerful chest.

Why do they call it the restroom? Is there anybody just resting in this room?

I want to be able to challenge myself. And do things that are away from what I usually do. Stand-up is safe for me. I can do stand-up in front of twenty-five thousand people, and I'm like, "I know how to do this. This is what I do." I want to be a little scared.

You know your gut instincts are spot on about a person when you can also detect a water source in the soil beneath them.

My favorite sexual position is when the girl is facing Mecca and I am fighting off a wolf.