350 Quotes by Dane Cook

You can't become tempted if you just give in a little quicker.

I can't watch a woman play with herself - to me, it looks like a DJ working the turntables... DJ Diddles.

If you're drunk please don't drive. If you're on shrooms please don't think Walmart's a prison for bad clothing that needs help escaping.

Sometimes, like we all do, I look at myself in the mirror. Sometimes I cry. Like a really hard cry like you just watch yourself cry but then you're done and you're just glowing and you're staring at yourself.

When somebody says I wouldn't change a thing they're thinking of something they would change.

The whole thing with comedy is that you are always in control. Writer, director, actor, producer, and sometimes bouncer. And you are just a piece of their puzzle.

Any guy that refers to dating women as the hunt or being on the prowl should be evaluated for a number of conditions.

My brain is very fantastical. If I ever actually recorded myself, I could probably win a Grammy for sex talk. Being on the road while in relationships, you need to learn to pleasure one another.

Saw a lost dog sign with a pic of the dog and a little boy hugging it. I'm assuming the kids safe and we're just focusing on the pooch.