350 Quotes by Dane Cook

Ma'am, are you trying to molest me via drivethru?

Some people give you that motivation to work harder simply to get the hell away from wherever they are.

I'm watching some television tonight. I'm watching The Discovery Channel. You know, this channel, you never ever plan on watching this. It just happens. You're flickin' around, all of a sudden - boom - you're watching a mole for an hour-and-a-half.

If you live far away from a person you no longer want to date just let them know that they are geographically undesirable.

I'm willing to write a check for $10,000 if someone can bring to me what I fell is ruining thousands of lives, destroying lives everyday. And I know that you know it's a little thing called Chupacabra.

You know you're lazy when you run out of toilet paper and use the cardboard roll to wipe with.

I have faith in all mankind. Well,not faith really, more like hopeful suspicion. And not "all" but 5 people. Mankind meaning computers.

Why do bad guys in movies always love to whistle really slowly?

You have to have a strong sense of humor to date me, and also know that you're probably going to be a part of the routine quite a bit.