350 Quotes by Dane Cook

I’m focused on staying as healthy as I can so I can work more.

There’s estrogen running through my veins!

I can do more than just stand-up comedy, and the only way I’ll be able to show that is if I do it myself. Because nobody trusts that I can do it.

I think that people who do enjoy my stand-up comedy and the people who get it and the people who are taken in by it, they see that I’m a guy that has love of the game.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don’t think I’m funny.

Then it was snack time, right in the middle of mass. Right out of nowhere, the priest would look down and say, ‘Let’s have some yum yums!’ You would get in line – you would jump in the line – and you would go up and get the crouton O’Christ.

I don’t hate anyone. I simply block them out using hellish visions in a blind white rage. But if I see them out I’m pleasant.

I’m a late-night guy.

I’ve lived in LA for so long, I don’t even know what is real and what isn’t any more.