350 Quotes by Dane Cook

I live my life like there’s no yesterday.

I had never done a roast, but I really wanted to, because it’s so different from standup.

Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they’ll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they’ll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: “Hey, perfect.”

It’s an incredible feeling falling in love someone who doesn’t know you exist.

The problem with dating a model is they won’t go out with you if your cars color doesn’t match their outfit.

When somebody says I wouldn’t change a thing they’re thinking of something they would change.

I’m really great in other peoples relationships.

A couple of days back, I got into a car accident. Not my fault. Even if it’s not your fault, the other person gets out of their car and looks at you like it’s your fault: Why did you stop at a red light and let me hit you doing 80!

You have to have a strong sense of humor to date me, and also know that you’re probably going to be a part of the routine quite a bit.