350 Quotes by Dane Cook

When you’re on a movie set and you are hopefully making a comedy, everyone’s stifling their laughter. You’re looking at the crew guys, hoping someone is making that face like, and not like, this is not working out, man.

True love is when you’re cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!

You have to realize, when you’re a comedian, that you have to have a thick skin. And trust me, being onstage in front of people is already difficult enough. Somebody’s personal attack in an email is not as hard as getting onstage.

Teach your kids to make deplorable choices and hopefully they’ll rebel and make the right ones.

Dear semi hot girl taking photos on a boat. It’s not your boat so stop acting like you own it. You drive a used Civic.

If you’re 1 of the 3 girls in pics with a greaseball whose arms are around you at a club you lose at life. If you’re the greaseball you win.

Even when I go to a salad bar, I need to feel like I’m one of the first people there.

We all hope for breakthrough rebirth moments. When you’re headed for a breakthrough moment, it’s kind of scary because you say, ‘If I break through then I have to make great change in my life.’

I feel like I was born and bred to stay self-motivated. I’m not one of those people who ho-hums and feels sorry for himself when something’s bad.